In this time of immense change and discomfort, with an election cycle that’s been rearing its ugly, complicated, and often sexist head for months on end, there is but one thing that we are certain about: though they look alike, a used dishrag covered in orange food stains would make a better president than Donald Trump. We don’t need to be convinced of his bull-headedness and insufficiencies. We don’t need to be convinced that he’s weak, unqualified, phony, and not cut out for the job, as a bunch of people continue to argue (not that we necessarily disagre….). But what we need even less is for a personality like his to be compared to the qualities of a woman’s vagina.

Yikes. That escalated quickly.

Image by Michael Vadon

It’s real, though, folks: Gary Johnson, a former Republican Governor of New Mexico and now a Libertarian politician who is (awkwardly, kinda, sorta) running for President--and who, by the way, thinks of Trump the way he was described above, and has been anything but shy about his disapproval of the Republican frontrunner--was quoted again this week with an insult for Donald Trump, which is normally something we’re totally able to get behind. His insights from this week, however, reminded us of an incident recently that flew well under the radar at the time, but that we think should be dredged up and looked at under the microscope today; yup, we’re talkin’ about that one time Johnson called The Donald a pussy as if it were the ultimate insult for a tough guy running for president based on hatred politics. Nuh-uh, not gonna fly with me.

While I appreciate his impulse to publicly criticize Mr. Drumpf, it’s incredibly frustrating to see Trump opposition sinking to his level and engaging in a chests-out, dicks-out machismo contest such as this. Even if you’re fighting the good fight, your words still have an impact and ideally there should be some thought behind them. Especially at a time when vaginas and female bodies more generally are increasingly becoming more politicized--as politicians continue to defund and edge out centers of women’s health, among other things--while concurrently, women are being told (sometimes by one another! Haha!) not to “vote with our vaginas” unless we want to appear unintelligent or uninformed, there is no room in this election cycle for using gendered language as an insult. Side note: maybe we could just stop using words like this as insults altogether, even after the dust settles from WWIII in mid-November??? I’d really appreciate it.

If there’s one thing you should know before visiting your local polling place this election season, it’s that pussies are unquestionably stronger and more qualified for any job than Donald Trump could ever hope to be, and yours can vote any damn way it wants--even if it wants to vote for DT. I won’t ask why, but hey; they tell me it’s a free country, so go nuts.

And now, without further ado, here are just a few ways that pussies are more impressive than Donald J. Drumpf (and why I would way rather have one in the Oval Office):

1. Vaginas can take on Trump in a weight-lifting match any day because they can literally be worked out just like any other muscle. But actually, a woman once lifted a 30-pound weight with her vagina and set a world record, so like. Kegels and lox for breakfast in the morning?

2. Donald Trump can appear to be pretty unfeeling a lot of the time, especially when he’s busy inciting racism, sexism, and xenophobia in his speeches. Not so for the good ol’ vag (and surrounding areas). The clitoris has more nerve-endings than any other part of the human body, male or female. AND it’s the only organ whose sole purpose is to provide pleasure. Amen.

3. We bet the man doesn’t even know how to pitch a tent; meanwhile, your vag is always ready for a good camping trip because of this lil thang called ‘vaginal tenting.’ This is what allows large objects (ahem…) to enter: the walls expand, and the inner two-thirds grow lengthwise and widthwise when aroused--up to 200 percent! I probs wouldn’t suggest making s’mores down there, but again, free country.

4. Vaginas have better communication skills than The Donald (and could probably give a better speech, too). They tell us when the timing is right to get pregnant by dispatching some of that rubbery discharge that we all know and love.

5. The Republican frontrunner can hardly keep it together when politicians criticize him publicly, making him a pretty thin-skinned dude. To that, all we really have to say is: childbirth. Just a liiiiittle bit more painful than a Facebook post by Elizabeth Warren (who we love, BTW).

As per your comments on our Facebook post, a more accurate title for the presidential hopeful would be “balls.” I’ll drink to that.

by Emma Glassman-Hughes