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On Never Trusting Hoes (Yep, 3OH3 Was Right)

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On Never Trusting Hoes (Yep, 3OH3 Was Right) Photo

by Emma Glassman-Hughes | 08/18/2016

If there’s one thing we’ve learned this year, it’s that there are a lot of people out there who just flat out refuse to take responsibility for their actions, or for systems of oppression within which they operate and from which they benefit. And while some people find this behavior to be as stale as the loaf of bread currently sitting in my cabinet (the real tragedy here is that I JUST bought it! Lol, amirite ladies???), I personally LOVE working with toddlers, so I find this kind of behavior endearing. I mean, let’s be honest: who wants to take responsibility for something that isn’t totally DOPE? And if recent events are any indication, we can see that some dudes out there have raised the practice of avoiding responsibility to a true art form. When faced with accusations of wrongdoing on their behalf, such as committing sexual assault, these (grown) adults deflect attention away from their own problems by highlighting the only other conclusion they can think of: women are obviously lying! Why didn't we think of that before?

Can ya blame the bros, though? Taking the low road is so easy! It’s almost like by just saying that women are liars, these guys get off scot free in spite of their actions or behaviors toward women--because women were apparently lying about everything, anyway! They said it, so it must be true. Women on the Internet are constantly trying to ~complicate~ things by expressing themselves, or sharing words of support for other survivors of abuse; but why make it messy? These dudes know how to keep things simple: say that women are lying, pretty much always. End of discussion. Plus, these men are basically magicians: one minute a rational discussion about rape culture and sexual predators in the entertainment industry is there, and the next it’s gone! Truly the disappearing act of the century. Oh wait; did they just avoid responsibility again? Aw, shucks--those sneaky boys!

Dudes like this raise a great point, though. I mean, have you noticed how women are just lyin’ lyin’ lyin’ about everything these days? It’s like, “are those *actually* her legs, or are they hot dogs??” “Was she *actually* tricked into eating that forbidden fruit, or was she just a scheming temptress keen on destroying manhood before it began??” “Was she *actually* raped, or did she just wake up one day with a penchant for ruining the careers of dudes who literally just made the big move out of mom’s basement, thereby getting a LOT of #fun attention as Anonymous Woman Who Talked About Rape To Someone Other Than The Pillow She Screams Into At Night?”

These are the real questions people are afraid to ask for fear of being persecuted by women who write blogs.

It doesn’t matter that the police and the comedy community and the legal system and the culture at large will most likely take the side of the man; the real fear is persecution from mean, angry lady bloggers. Totally justified--I mean women are notoriously relentless on the Internet. I swear all they do all day when they leave the kitchen is comment on articles written by men with sickening expectations that they will be respected enough to be taken seriously, cushioned by words of encouragement and proclaimed admiration. Someone needs to stop these cruel (____insert choice of farm animal here____), and put them in their place immediately. Luckily we have heroes like this guy who are willing to stand up to the (wo)menaces like the brave crusader he is.

As you can see, the commitment to not acknowledging any wrongdoing is as adorable as it sounds. Aren't we so happy about this moment we're having for women in comedy?

by Emma Glassman-Hughes

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