5 min read
by English Taylor | November 16, 2017
I refer to Michael from college and Claudia from Paradise Day Spa as my exes. They both contributed to equally excruciating experiences—a broken heart and a burned labia.
I did everything the Internet instructs you to do before getting my first Brazilian wax. I researched on Yelp, consulted my in-the-know girlfriends, made sure I wasn’t anywhere close to getting my period, and popped a few Advil. My roommate even let me borrow her high-end numbing cream, after spending a good ten minutes reassuring me that, “No, English, your vagina will not be so numb that you can’t hold your pee in…”
At Paradise Day Spa, I sat back and tried to relax as Claudia prepared the wax and strips. I thought to myself, “How many vaginas does she see per day? Do I smell OK down there? I wonder if she’ll notice my skin tag. I can’t feel much down there—am I peeing? AM I PEEING?”
As I lifted my head to check for puddles, Claudia returned, asked me to spread my legs, and began waxing. It was all going fine until she reached my outer labia. You know those metal sticks people roast marshmallows on around a campfire? Imagine one of those rods, fresh from the flames, gets stuck straight into your vag. As I yelped and howled from the too-hot wax, Claudia began frantically blowing on my vagina—giving the term “blow job” a whole new meaning. I limped out of Paradise Day Spa with only half of my pubic hair gone and zero skin on my left labia.
I was scarred—emotionally and physically. It took me a full decade to step back into the salon for a bikini wax. After sharing my “first time” with friends and aestheticians over the years, I’ve learned I’m not the only one who has experienced a hair removal mishap. No matter if and how you choose to groom (or not groom) down there, this collection of pubic hair conundrums will make you protectively reach for your vagina, cringe, squeal, and hopefully laugh a little, too.
“I had recently donated my head hair, like a good ten inches. I decided that since I was already making such a big change, why not dye it, too? A few weeks later, I went in for my monthly wax appointment—I always see the same woman. As I lay there half naked on the table, I thought it was strange she didn’t ask me about my job and partner like she normally does. But, as soon as she started waxing, she suddenly looked thrown off and surprised: ‘Oh! It’s you! At first I didn’t recognize you.’ She had actually recognized me by my vagina. I was crying I was laughing so hard.” - Shira
“I regularly wax myself at home using supplies I get from my esthetician friend. I had an afternoon to myself and decided to give myself a wax. I finished my vagina and moved on to my butt. I opened my cheeks, spread the wax, and reached for a strip, only to realize the box was empty. I waddled around my apartment trying to find something that would work. But I was too late. Five minutes later, my butt cheeks were sealed shut with wax. I had to call my friend to bring a special lotion over to unglue them. I immediately ordered a bottle from her to prevent future emergencies.” - Gaby
“I wanted to get my butt waxed, so I climbed onto all fours like they ask you to. I had just had a huge lunch and accidentally farted right into my waxer’s face. I was mortified. Like, I wonder if I blew a wax bubble with my ass? She was really nice and said it actually happens all the time.” - Natalie
“I normally don’t wax, but I was going on vacation and didn’t want to bother with shaving. I was also on my period. When my waxer pulled the strip off the area where my vagina kind of meets my butt, she not only pulled hair off, but also pulled my tampon straight out of my vagina. The string must have gotten stuck on the strip or something. We stared at each other in disbelief for a few seconds. She was just standing there, holding a strip of paper covered in pubic hair with a bloody tampon dangling off of it. I was way too embarrassed to ever go back to that salon.” - Jasmine
“I decided to try one of those at-home wax kits from CVS. It actually worked really well! But later in the evening, when I went to the bathroom with a girlfriend, I realized that I couldn’t pull my thong down. I must have done a bad job removing all the wax, because my underwear was stuck to me. My friend had to come into the stall to help me—we ended up taking a metal nail file and using it to pry my panties away from my skin.” - Britt
Do you have any pubic hair mishaps? My fully-recovered left labia and I want to know! Tell us in the comments below.
PS. Did you catch our post on public hair self-care? A must read before you DIY!
by English Taylor